


International Perspectives on Transformative Works

by Phantom_Midge



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Awfulness, Bad Sex, Characters Reading Fanfiction, Chatlog, Crack, Dark Comedy, Explicit Sexual Content, Gen, Parody, Squick, Trolling
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-01
Updated: 2018-04-01
Packaged: 2019-04-16 09:39:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,625
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14161998
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Phantom_Midge/pseuds/Phantom_Midge
Summary: A sordid tale of the horrors of smutty fanfiction, in which Poland is a massive troll, Lithuania is exasperated, and America and Russia end up scarred for life.





	International Perspectives on Transformative Works

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING: This story contains passages quoted from the infamous LotR badfic Celebrian, as well as references to a similarly infamous Harry Potter badfic titled *squick* (a.k.a. the skullfucking fic). You can read the former [here](http://web.archive.org/web/20010423131650/http://www.greyarchive.com/Celebrian.htm) and the latter [here](https://www.therobotsvoice.com/2009/11/fan_fiction_friday_draco_and_lucius_malfoy_in_squi.php), but I would recommend not reading either unless you have a very, VERY strong stomach. The parts of Celebrian quoted here are the least disturbing parts of that fic; the rest of it is much worse. Read at your own risk.
> 
> Aside from the Celebrian bits, all of the badfic excerpts herein were written by me and did not come from actual works of fanfiction published to AO3 or elsewhere.

**CyberiadaFanboy:** do u know what fanfiction is

 **FreedomFries:** Yeah that’s when teenage girls write weird Harry Potter erotica right?

 **CyberiadaFanboy:** not always lol

 **CyberiadaFanboy:** i mean yeah sometimes

 **CyberiadaFanboy:** but theres more 2 it then just that

 **FreedomFries:** like what?

 **CyberiadaFanboy:** okay so theres this site i like called ao3, its my go-to place for harry potter & star wars fanfic cuz all of my favourite polish fansites r shut down now or only get new stories like twice a year

 **CyberiadaFanboy:** but they have all sorts of stuff there, not just hp & star wars

[xxKugelis has joined the conversation]

 **xxKugelis:** Don’t trust him America, he’s about to link you to something horrible.

 **xxKugelis:** It better not be the incestuous skullfucking thing.

 **FreedomFries:** the what now

 **CyberiadaFanboy:** lol calm down liet, its nothing like that. its not even an hp fic.

 **CyberiadaFanboy:** aaaaanyway like i was saying b4 we were so RUDELY interrupted, ao3 has this tag for anthropomorfic which is fanfic with anthropomorphized personified ppl. y’know, like us. and theres stories about us in the tag.

 **xxKugelis:** oh god

 **FreedomFries:** you’re shitting me.

 **CyberiadaFanboy:** i shit u not

 **CyberiadaFanboy:** ppl have written shipping fanfic about u

 **FreedomFries:** shipping?

 **CyberiadaFanboy:** its when u want two characters to make out or bone so u write about them making out or boning

 **xxKugelis:** yes, like for example shipping Lucius Malfoy with his son’s grey matter.

 **CyberiadaFanboy:** omg ur still pissed about the skullfucking thing

 **xxKugelis:** I am never going to forgive you for making me read that.

 **FreedomFries:** what are you guys talking about?

 **xxKugelis:** trust me, you don’t want to know.

 **CyberiadaFanboy:** as i was saying, america i just thought u should know theres fic on ao3 shipping u w/ ur boss & other ppl

 **CyberiadaFanboy:** here let me copypaste some 4 u

 **CyberiadaFanboy:** He had never been so entranced yet repulsed at the same time. This man was the very antithesis of anything attractive or sensual; his face, like an overcooked cabbage doused in orange food colouring with a flattened dead hamster glued to the top, displayed no emotions but cruelty and petulance. America was disgusted by everything Trump stood for, so why… why did he find the man so… irresistible? Trump smirked smugly as he slung an arm around America, and America could not help but shudder at the feeling of the billionaire’s unusually small hand gripping his shoulder; diminutive fingers like doughy Cheetos firmly ensnaring the fabric of his shirt.

 **FreedomFries:** NO

 **FreedomFries:** NO NO NO NO NO NO NO

 **FreedomFries:** NOOOOOOOO

 **xxKugelis:** Why do people write stuff like this

 **FreedomFries:** I HAVE TO BLEACH MY FUCKING EYES NOW

 **FreedomFries:** DUDE WHY

 **CyberiadaFanboy:** trolololololol

 **FreedomFries:** I WOULD NEVER FUCK MY BOSS, THAT’S SO UNPROFESSIONAL AND NOT TO MENTION HE’S ALL OLD AND GROSS AND WRINKLY OMG EW

 **CyberiadaFanboy:** theres a lot of politician fic on ao3

 **CyberiadaFanboy:** its called lolitics

 **CyberiadaFanboy:** get it? lol & politics?!?!

 **xxKugelis:** we get it, Poland.

 **CyberiadaFanboy:** theres also stuff shipping trump w/ putin. wanna see?

 **FreedomFries:** I think i'm gonna throw up

[Aria862 has joined the conversation]

 **FreedomFries:** oh fuck, who invited HIM

 **CyberiadaFanboy:** i did! >:)

 **Aria862:** Hello. :)

 **xxKugelis:** hello russia.

 **Aria862:** I heard you would be discussing some stories people have written about my boss. :)

 **FreedomFries:** more like Poland was about to force them upon us, because he is a sick, sick person. what am I saying, you’re probably into this shit.

 **Aria862:** I’m not sure that I understand what you’re talking about. What shit?

 **CyberiadaFanboy:** THIS SHIT

 **CyberiadaFanboy:** Putin lay sexily on Trump’s solid gold couch, clad in nothing but a $15,000 bathrobe woven from the solidified tears of children, which he had purchased using the leftover funds from this year’s hitman budget. In one hand he held a glass of wine, and in the other a copy of a magazine with Trump’s face on the cover. As Trump approached the former KGB officer, his nostrils were filled with an intoxicating scent, which his genius IQ immediately recognized as Covfefe brand cologne. It smelled of fast food and golf courses.

 **CyberiadaFanboy:** “My legions of internet trolls may have hacked your election, Mr. Trump, but you have hacked your way into my heart,” Putin said sexily.

 **CyberiadaFanboy:** “Time to get tremendous,” Trump said, dropping his pants.

 **FreedomFries:** OH GOD WHY

 **Aria862:** That’s certainly… interesting.

 **CyberiadaFanboy:** ur not grossed out?

 **Aria862:** No. I just don’t understand why the author of this story thought that it needed to exist.

 **xxKugelis:** I share that sentiment

 **CyberiadaFanboy:** ok but what if i showed u a trump/putin/boris johnson threesome, would that gross u out

 **FreedomFries:** dude if you’re gonna keep making us read weird porn does it all have to be about my old, wrinkly boss?!? seriously I do not want these mental images.

 **CyberiadaFanboy:** ok! heres a lil something from a star wars fic i read earlier (original trilogy, so theyre not old n wrinkled yet)

 **CyberiadaFanboy:** Han groaned as the younger man’s tongue swirled around the head of his manhood. “Slow down, kid,” he muttered, fearing he would blow his load before the fun could really get started. In response, Luke slowly slid his mouth off of the engorged flesh and licked his lips, grinning at Han cheekily.

 **FreedomFries:** now that’s just blasphemous, how dare they defile Star Wars!!!!!

 **Aria862:** I think it’s nice.

 **FreedomFries:** of course you would.

 **xxKugelis:** At least it’s just an ordinary blowjob, they’re not doing anything weird or messed up.

 **CyberiadaFanboy:** oh, u mean like this?

 **CyberiadaFanboy:** “You do not understand,” Kylo hissed, still breathing heavily. “The power of the Dark Side is infinite. It allows me to push myself beyond the limits of the human body. I will give you a demonstration. Behold my power!”

 **CyberiadaFanboy:** He turned around and bent over, pointing his rear toward Finn. Taking the ill-gotten foodstuff in hand, he positioned it against his crack, and then Finn watched with amazement as Kylo shoved the entire brick of cheese up his ass.

 **Aria862:**?!?!?!

 **FreedomFries:** ugh wtf kylo, your mom taught you better than to waste food like that.

 **Aria862:** That’s so strange. Why would he put cheese in his ass? D:

 **FreedomFries:** Strange?! I think you mean HORRIFYING

 **CyberiadaFanboy:** u think THATS horrifying? u are sooooo innocent its adorable!

 **FreedomFries:** I’m not innocent, its fuckin gross to do that with food, jeez

 **CyberiadaFanboy:** u guys dont know. u dont know the full extent of the horrors of fanfiction. but worry not, i am a seasoned reader and i will guide u children thru this land of 12-inch yogurt-cannons and weeping loveholes… and i think i know just where 2 start…

 **CyberiadaFanboy:** what do u think, liet? should i show them a bit of celebrian? ;D

 **xxKugelis:** No. absolutely not. you should NOT subject them to Celebrian.

 **Aria862:** What is Celebrian? :)

 **FreedomFries:** I think that’s an elf from lord of the rings

 **CyberiadaFanboy:** ok im totally gonna do it

 **xxKugelis:** POLAND NO

 **CyberiadaFanboy:** POLAND YES

 **CyberiadaFanboy:** The cock called her. What would it taste like? What it would it feel like in her mouth? She had never taken Elrond into her mouth. That was not the elvish way despite the vulgar name for fellatio: "The Elvish Art."

 **xxKugelis:** FUCK

 **CyberiadaFanboy:** She fell to her knees. The great cock loomed before her, twisted and gnarled with its warts, bumps and pulsing veins except for the taut, smooth knob. It was beautiful. Rough and smooth, round and long. Oh, so long. She felt a pang in her loins, a desire to bury the rod in her loins. But the curiosity of her mouth won out.

 **xxKugelis:** whyyyyyyyy

 **CyberiadaFanboy:** Celebrian opened her mouth wide and bobbed her head at the cock. The king pulled her up short by the hair on her head. The breath from her gaping mouth warmed the bulb of his dick.

 **CyberiadaFanboy:** "Bad elf-bitch. Bad cunt with tiny breasts and little mouth. I have not given you permission yet. For this transgression, you must beg for forgiveness by naming yourself further. Then we will see."

 **CyberiadaFanboy:** "Cock-sucker, knob-licker, semen-drinker," she said gaining speed. "I am a whore, a bitch who begs the least drop from a cock without parallel. I want to taste the root of your shaft. I want to fill my mouth with your bulb. I am cock-worshipper, ball-holder, sucker of my king’s salty gifts. I wish to drink every drop in your cock. Feel your great seed fill my mouth, spill down my face and on to my unworthy boobs. I am the cock-whore, the ball-queen, the seed-drinker. The world is my lord the orc king’s great rod. It fills my sight; may it fill my body.

 **CyberiadaFanboy:** "Very well, cock-sucker, suck-cock."

 **CyberiadaFanboy:** The king released her hair. Mouth wide, she eagerly bobbed forward and took his entire glans in oral embrace.

 **Aria862:** I do not like this.

 **FreedomFries:** for once I’m with the ruskie. what the everloving FUCK.

 **xxKugelis:** goddamnit poland

 **CyberiadaFanboy:** LOL this isnt even the gross part of the fic, it doesn’t start to get rly nasty until after the magical dildo scene! :D

[FreedomFries has blocked CyberiadaFanboy]

[Aria862 has blocked CyberiadaFanboy]

 **CyberiadaFanboy:** awww… and we were having so much fun :(

 **xxKugelis:** you brought that on yourself.

 **CyberiadaFanboy:** whatever, they’ll forgive me in time lmao

*** 

**GoldammerWhisperer:** west you’re not going to believe what poland just showed me!!!!!

 **SturmDrang:** This had better not be the skullfucking thing. Or the orc-rape thing.

 **GoldammerWhisperer:** nope it’s even more amazing than either of those

 **SturmDrang:** By amazing do you mean revolting?

**GoldammerWhisperer:** [http://archiveofourown.org/works/12345678910111213](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ)

**SturmDrang:** I am not clicking that.

 **GoldammerWhisperer:** Angela Merkel/Hillary Clinton, Donald Trump/Vladimir Putin, High School AU, Vampire AU, Angst, Slow Burn, UST, Anal Fisting, Chapters: 4/?

 **SturmDrang:** what

**Author's Note:**

> Regarding the characters' screen names:  
> \- [Cyberiada (English title: The Cyberiad)](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Cyberiad) is a series of short stories by Polish science fiction author Stanisław Lem.  
> \- ["Freedom fries"](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Freedom_fries) is, to quote Wikipedia, "a political euphemism for French fries in the United States" that came about "in response to France's opposition to the proposed invasion of Iraq."  
> \- [Kugelis](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kugelis) is a Lithuanian potato dish.  
> \- [Aria](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aria_\(band\)) is a popular Russian heavy metal band, considered the Russian equivalent of Iron Maiden. [862 CE](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Russian_History) is the year in which Russian history is traditionally said to have begun.  
> \- As far as I know Prussia's pet bird has no canon species, but I like to headcanon it as a [yellowhammer](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yellowhammer). Goldammer is the German word for yellowhammer.  
> \- [“Sturm und Drang”](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sturm_und_Drang) was an 18th century German literary movement.


End file.
